Raising Thinking Children – Page 4 – The Turning Points of Life

FRIENDS

Years ago I found myself dissatisfied with what seemed to me a lack of deeper understanding of the meaning of words we use every day in our conversation. This meant missing out on fully appreciating what we say and what we hear, underestimating meaning and losing something valuable.

One of those words was “appreciation” and I delved into it studying its fuller meaning and how it impacted me. (See my Post “Appreciation” June 2015) In that process, I gained an understanding that spread across many aspects of life.

Another one of those interesting words is “friend”. I remember mentioning to someone that they were my friend and their retort was, “You mean I am just a friend?”

What struck me was that this person did not appreciate what it meant to be considered a friend. To their understanding, a friend was something less than what I believed and understood a friend to be. I began my investigation.

I started with the dictionary and uncovered this:
Friend = one attached to another by feelings of personal regard; a well-wisher, patron or supporter; one who is on good terms with another.

A good start be still not very satisfying I went to the Bible to get a better sense of what more could be attributed to the meaning of “friend”.

In a statement by Jesus I found something quite interesting. In the Gospel of John, I read,
John 15:13-15 New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

When Jesus made a special note to teach His disciples a meaning for being His friends, I realized that to Jesus a friend was quite special. Special to me was that He saw one as willing to give his very life for a friend! That really touched me. The very ultimate sacrifice was worthy of a friend. Jesus went further to classify those who loved and followed Him as His friends, in other words, those who He was willing to die for! He didn’t stop there when He went so far as to give them every gift from His Father that He had received.

I decided I would go even further in my study to see if there was more to be learned. It was then that I came upon a passage from the seldom read books of what is called the Apocrypha. There I found a very encompassing meaning for “friend” from what is often attributed to Solomon.

Faithful Friends are secure shelters & strong defenses;
Who finds such has found excellent treasures.
Faithful Friends are beyond price;
Their Excellency & worth more than money can buy.
Faithful Friends are elixirs, medicines for life;
Those who love & fear the Lord our God find them.
[Liberally translated/paraphrased from Ecclesiasticus 6:14-16]

When I read the phrases: “excellent treasures”, “beyond price”, “worth more than money can buy”, and “elixirs, medicines for life” I finally found satisfaction that I had embraced and understood what a true friend really meant. I also noted that in this passage, “friends” were described as “faithful” indicating that the notion of “friend” can be compromised by the evil one to create doubt and unbelief. Faithful Friends are true friends, not those who attempt to use the friendship for ulterior motives.

Turning Point

A turning point is often inspired by a sense of dissatisfaction with something we experience and one is prompted to dig beyond the obvious and search for value. It is in this search that treasures are discovered and obtained, seeming little things that become big influences on who we become. It fascinates me how such little moments guided by the Holy Spirit build in us treasures of great value.

The Car Challenge – A Fishing Solution

Randy got the fishing bug when he caught his first fish in the surf at the beach in Rosarita Mexico in August 1976. He was only two years old. (See “The Mexico Connection – The First Fish Turning Point, September 2015 blog post). Fishing became Randy’s passion and he seized every opportunity to go fishing.

The day after he finished middle school in June 1986, Randy went fishing with his friend Michael at Miramar Lake a few miles from our home in Mira Mesa. He was approaching thirteen years old. Later that afternoon I drove my pickup truck to the lake to pick up the boys and hear their fish stories and see the evidence of their tales.

On the way I was thinking that the dream of every young boy was to get a car or truck. When the driving age approaches, the prospect of having a car intensifies, often monopolizing every thoughtful moment. Anticipating this would soon be coursing through my son’s mind, I decided I needed to make something very clear to him. For some unknown reason I seized this time as the opportune moment to talk with him on the subject.

I rounded up the boys and their catch of cat fish and loaded their equipment into the back of the truck. We headed for home and when we came up to a red light, I initiated my planned conversation with Randy.

I said, “Randy, when you are seventeen you will want to drive. And once you have a taste of driving, you will want to have your own vehicle. I am telling you right now, I will never buy you a car. Even if I were rich, even if by then I am a millionaire, I will not buy you a car. So you need to think ahead and figure out how you are going to get the money to buy your own car.”

The next day Randy asked me if on Monday I would take him deep sea fishing like we often did during the summer months. I told him I had a big project at work and couldn’t take off until later in the month. Since I wouldn’t let him go alone he asked if I would let him and his friend Michael go on the three-quarter-day sport fishing boat. I explained that only if Michael’s mother gave her permission would I agree. The boys ran to Michael’s home to get his mother’s permission. Once that was obtained, I acquiesced and agreed to take them Monday morning to the sport fishing landing in Point Loma. Carol planned to pick the boys up later that afternoon.

Now the wheels were set in motion and Randy and Mike went to work getting their fishing gear prepared for the early morning departure. The boys checked the fishing report in the newspaper sports section and began dreaming of the fish they were going to catch. Neither of them slept much during the night as their excitement was piqued.

Monday morning dawned and I helped the boys pack their gear into my pickup truck. At 5:30 Monday morning we left for the Point Loma sportfishing landing in San Diego. We arrived at six o’clock and parked at the marina. I checked in at the office and I bought their $16 tickets for the La Jollan, a boat that would return in the late afternoon. I gave the boys some cash for lunch and snacks and walked them down the dock to the boat. With a few words of encouragement I admonished them to behave and have fun. I also reminded them that Randy’s mom volunteered to pick them up when the boat returned at about 3:30 in the afternoon.

The La Jollan at the dock

The boys had an exciting and prosperous day, the details of which I would discover later that evening. Carol arrived and found the boys and their gear along with a hefty catch of fish. They lugged all their gear and sacks of fish up the dock to the parking lot. Once it was packed into the trunk of the car they headed home.

At home, Randy and Mike got to work filleting their catch. Normally, when Randy and I would go ocean fishing, we would catch mackerel, a prolific fish with an oily flesh. Since we were not fond of eating mackerel we normally threw them back or gave them to another fisherman. This day, however, Randy kept every mackerel he caught. He filleted every one and put a couple fillets into individual plastic zip-lock bags. When he was done, he got cleaned up and went around the neighborhood with his bags of mackerel filets offering them for fifty cents each to the neighboring Filipino ladies. Before long they were all sold. The ladies told him they would buy from him again, but they preferred he sell the whole fish instead of filleted.

That evening at the dinner table, Randy shared his exciting day fishing with Carol and me.

Then he asked, “Dad, will you take me again tomorrow?”

I replied, “Randy, I do not mind taking you there, but you can’t expect me to pay $20 a day for your fishing and food every day this summer.”

Randy was ready for this and retorted, “Dad, I have the money. In fact I have $26, so I am covered!”

Curious, I inquired, “Randy, where did you get that kind of money?”

“Well Dad,” he replied, “you know that when we go fishing together, we always throw back the mackerel we catch. Well I saved all of the ones Mike and I caught and then filleted them when we got home. I put them in plastic bags and went to all the Filipino ladies in the neighborhood and sold them for 50 cents each. Now I have $26.”

I was quite impressed with his resourcefulness so I gladly supported his request. Not only did he go fishing on Tuesday, but Wednesday as well.

At the dinner table Wednesday evening, Randy asked me to call the Captain of the fishing boat. With some concern, I inquired as to the reason.

Randy said, “She wants me to work for her on the boat as a deckhand. Can I please? She said that all she needs is your approval.”

After dinner I called Gigi, the captain of the La Jollan, a 40 foot fishing boat that makes daily three-quarter-day runs to the kelp beds just off the San Diego coast. The kelp beds harbor a plethora of fish species most of which are fine eating.

As I spoke to Gigi and got all the details, I wondered why she wanted Randy to work for her, so I asked, “Why do you want my son to work for you?”

She replied, “Don’t you know what he did?”

I replied, “I know that he was on your boat these last three days and that he caught a lot of fish. But beyond that I know not what he did.”

“Well, “she said, “Let me tell you.”

Gigi explained that she took notice of Randy the very first day because he out-fished her regulars. Her regulars, she confided, were very good fishermen. She noticed too that he was courteous and respectful of the fishermen around him. Randy’s diligent care of his fishing gear was also something that created a positive impression. On the second day, she continued her vigil and was surprised when he quit fishing 15 minutes early. He cleaned up his gear and stowed it away. To her even greater surprise, Randy retrieved a bucket and nylon scrub broom and commenced to scrub down the boat! He had obviously watched the deckhands the first day and followed their lead.

Randy did the same thing the third day, Gigi explained, and she just had to get this remarkable boy on her team before the competition got him!

After discussing this with Carol and Randy, we decided to go forward and allow him to work on the boat. I called Gigi back and thrilled her with our decision.

Randy worked as a deckhand on the La Jollan until the boat retired from service in San Diego a few years later. He then was hired by another boat as his reputation apparently found its way to other boat captains at the marina.

Randy proudly displays a Calico Bass

The work of a deckhand is hard work, physically taxing, long hours and almost constant activity. Even though being a deckhand was hard work, Randy enjoyed his free time fishing. If his day off fell on a Saturday, he would entice me to join him for a day of fishing on the La Jollan.

Randy filleting fish aboard the La Jollan

One such occasion is noteworthy. We were fishing the south end of the kelp beds just south of Ballast Point. The captain alerted us that there was a large school of fish and we all got ready to drop our lines. It turned out to be a large “boil” of calico bass. Randy and I were both hauling in fish after fish.

In the midst of the catching frenzy, Randy, standing next to me said, “Dad, I’m sure glad you are keeping up with me!”

I said, “Why?”

Randy said, “Because I told everyone on the boat that you taught me all I know about fishing!”

Randy aboard the La Jollan with someone’s catch

On another occasion, Carol was picking Randy up after a day at work on the boat. She arrived about 15 minutes early and she noticed Randy doing the final clean up on the boat. When she approached, Randy asked her to stay off to the side as he didn’t want people to think that his “mother” had to pick him up.

So while she walked up the dock away from the boat, some fishermen came by and one of them asked Carol if Randy was her son.

She replied, “Yes, why do you ask?”

He said, “My friends and I were on that boat all day. Your son caught our attention by the diligent way he worked. We concluded that his father must own the boat.”

Carol assured them that his father didn’t own the boat, but thanked them for the great compliment.

A few years later, Randy was working on the Daily Double, a half-day boat that also worked the local kelp beds. Randy invited me to go fishing on the Daily Double one day when he was working. I agreed and went out on the Daily Double one Saturday morning.

I boarded the boat as the deckhands were busy with their tasks in preparation for leaving the dock and heading out to the bait barges. I wanted to stay out of the way so I climbed up to the upper deck. In the wheel house I found Fred, the Captain and introduced myself. Then he said something that really touched me.

Fred said, “As soon as we leave the dock, I want you to observe something. You will see the cook and all the deckhands, except Randy, come up to this deck, turn over a bucket, sit down and light up a smoke. Randy meanwhile will go around the main deck seeking out children and teaching them how to set their bait properly. Singlehandedly he’ll insure that every kid will have an extraordinary day fishing. During the day he’ll make sure everyone catches a fish. That’s your boy!”

Wow was I proud of my son.

Over the years, Captain Fred would share from time to time letters that he received from guests who fished on the Daily Double. These letters praised Fred and his crew for the way they treated the families and especially the kids. Some specifically named Randy, acknowledging how he took time with their children to make their fishing day an extraordinary one. One of them touched our hearts more than the others. A woman from Phoenix had promised her nephew to take him fishing after his dad had died. Her letter explained how Randy’s gracious attention to her nephew throughout the day of fishing made his day simply extraordinary. What a blessing for the young lad and his aunt.

The Daily Double off the San Diego coast

By the time Randy reached driving age, he had amassed well over $7,000 in savings from tips and income from his working days on the boats. He worked Saturdays and holidays during the school year and throughout the week during summers and school vacations.

When he turned 17, he used the funds he saved to buy a used Toyota pick-up truck. Another goal achieved through resourceful planning, execution of a wise plan and willingness to work hard. He treated that truck like a valued treasure and after a few years sold it at a nice profit. But that will be another story.

Randy’s Blue Toyota Pick-up

Randy continued working the fishing boats through his college days, building a group of lasting friendships and earning a stellar reputation for customer service and excellent fishing skills. Along the way he learned to love sushi and how to make it.

Ultimately, after he started his career in pharmaceutical cancer research, he used this experience and knowledge to serve as a part time sushi chef at a Japanese restaurant affording him extra cash and a venue for expanding his circle of friends and relationships.

TURNING POINT

Once again a challenge presented to Randy inspired him to turn his passion for fishing into a solution for achieving an important goal. His confidence that he could reach his goal was justified. He again, as with his pursuit of his first snake, was willing to make sacrifices to achieve a lofty goal. Because he earned the money to buy his truck, its value was enhanced and he subsequently treated with respect and eventually reaped the reward of its increased value.

Understanding the power parents have in issuing challenges to their children is a turning point that has great consequences.

The Ancient Art of Listening

In the early 1980’s I attended a seminar on the subject of communication. The opening moments turned out to be a significant turning point for me. The seminar facilitator began by asking all 500 participants a series of questions.

The first question: How many of you have taken a class or course in writing during your formal education? Virtually every hand was raised.

The next question: How many have taken a class or course in public speaking? About 80% raised their hands.

The final question: How many have taken a class or course in listening? Not a single hand was raised! Not one attendee admitted to taking a lesson or course in listening.

Listening is the critical component of successful communication, yet few, if any, have ever been professionally trained in this important area. Only until recently has listening become considered worthy of its own study.

I found that listening was so much more than hearing. It was a skill at processing what was heard and inspiring an appropriate thoughtful response.

My deliberations following the course caused a fine focused attention to listening skills and a purposeful effort to master mine. I looked into Holy Scripture and that revealed a biblical golden nugget for my pursuit.

I discovered that the following passage in The Message version of the Bible’s Old Testament provided fascinating perspectives on the subject of listening skills.

I highlighted what I deemed critical points to consider further and added some commentary.

1 Kings 3:4-10 The Message (MSG)
4-5 The king went to Gibeon, the most prestigious of the local shrines, to worship. He sacrificed a thousand Whole-Burnt-Offerings on that altar. That night, there in Gibeon, GOD appeared to Solomon in a dream: God said, “What can I give you? Ask.”

My thoughts at this point: We as human beings fantasize about a Genie who can offer us one or sometimes three wishes. It’s just a fantasy. There is no Genie. But God, the almighty, who can do anything, in all His power asks Solomon, “What can I give you? Ask.” What do I ask God for each morning?

6 Solomon said, “You were extravagantly generous in love with David my father, and he lived faithfully in your presence, his relationships were just and his heart right. And You have persisted in this great and generous love by giving him—and this very day!—a son to sit on his throne.
7-8 “And now here I am: GOD, my God, you have made me, your servant, ruler of the kingdom in place of David my father. I’m too young for this, a mere child! I don’t know the ropes; hardly know the ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ of this job. And here I am, set down in the middle of the people you’ve chosen, a great people—far too many to ever count.
9 “Here’s what I want: Give me a God-listening heart so I can lead your people well, discerning the difference between good and evil. For who on their own is capable of leading your glorious people?”
10-14 God, the Master, was delighted with Solomon’s response. And God said to him, “Because you have asked for this and haven’t grasped after a long life, or riches, or the doom of your enemies, but you have asked for the ability to lead and govern well, I’ll give you what you’ve asked for—I’m giving you a wise and mature heart. There’s never been one like you before; and there’ll be no one after. As a bonus, I’m giving you both the wealth and glory you didn’t ask for—there’s not a king anywhere who will come up to your mark. And if you stay on course, keeping your eye on the life-map and the God-signs as your father David did, I’ll also give you a long life.”

I found a deeper perspective from the King James Version of this text: A God-listening heart is a heart with skill to listen* to the whisper of the Holy Spirit, sent to guide me into the will of God for me and intent on making me a blessing for those who God hopes I will serve with His love. [*Note: The King James Version of the Bible has a note in the central reference column that offers a secondary interpretation of the phrase “discerning heart” as “a heart with skill to listen”.]

I learned from Solomon’s actions that if I wanted to delight the heart of God with my requests, I needed to humble myself and ask for a heart skilled in the art of listening.

Turning Point

This turning point experience inspired me to alter my prayers each day. Since then I begin each day much like Solomon, praying for a heart with skill to listen so even the whisper of the Holy Spirit could be heard. Especially at times when it was critical to hear the guidance of God, I pray this way during the day. Countless times since then, the guidance of God has brought extraordinary experiences into my life.

This turning point also prompted me to create a seminar on communication with a primary emphasis on the art of listening. I intend to offer this Communication Seminar in the future in an on-line setting.

The Snake Challenge

It was a typical San Diego day in early 1980, 73 degrees and sunny when our family experienced an unexpected turning point. I was at work and Randy was at school. Carol was at the local stores searching for the things on her shopping list for the day. Carol as a master shopper, always had a plan and a keen eye for bargains. When she was on a shopping mission, she wanted to be alone. This day, however, it was all going to change in an unexpected way.

Six year old Randy was at school and time for Carol to pick him up was fast approaching. The shopping was taking longer than expected. That meant she was going to have to accept the reality that Randy was going to be part of the final shopping activity at the local mall. Carol was not looking forward to that fact. The last thing she wanted was to take Randy shopping with her. Alas, there was no other choice.

The time arrived for Carol to get Randy at school so she placed her bags into the trunk of the car and headed for school. She arrived just in time as Randy came out the door. They hugged and got into the car. Carol told Randy that there was some more shopping to do so they were stopping at the mall on the way home. Randy didn’t make fuss, although Carol knew Randy really wanted to get home to play with his friends.

They arrived at the mall and proceeded toward Carol’s destination store. The course of the journey from the parking lot required passing a pet store. When Randy looked in the window and saw that animals were in this store he somehow persuaded his mother to go in. That was definitely not her plan and confirmation of why she didn’t take Randy shopping with her as a matter of principle.

When they entered the store, it must have been like a Disneyland for Randy. His eyes grew huge as he scanned the seemingly endless cadre of animal life in their terrariums and cages. The place was alive with the smells and sounds of myriad animal life. Dogs barking, cats meowing, birds making all manner of bird sounds and then the silence of creatures not created to make sounds. Randy dragged his mother along as they passed toads and lizards of all kinds. Then there were the aquariums housing a potpourri of tropical fish and the sounds of bubbling air oxygenating the water of every tank. Finally they reached a section that had rows of terrariums. The first few terrariums housed huge tarantula spiders. These were followed by the snakes.

Suddenly Randy’s eyes were drawn to a small terrarium that was home to a small red and tan rat snake. Immediately his longing for that snake erupted in a pleading request to his mother: “Can I have that snake? PLEEEZE!”

Red Rat Snake

Now the last thing Carol wanted was that or any other snake in her house! It was simply out of the question. But, before she came out with the flat denial that filled her thoughts, she paused and concluded she didn’t want to simply flat out deny the request. Thoughtfully and carefully Carol issued a challenge.

Thinking that the $29.95 price tag would be out of Randy’s reach for a long enough time to hopefully dispel his desire for it, she challenged with, “When you can buy it with your own money, you can have it.”

Randy responded without a fuss and off they went to the original purpose of the trip. Unknown to Carol, Randy’s mind must have been calculating, evidenced by what happened when they arrived home.

Randy made a beeline for his bedroom where his desk drawer contained a bankbook. With the bankbook in hand Randy raced to the kitchen. Presenting the book to his mother, he asked, “Please take me to the bank and withdraw the $29.95 so I can buy that snake.”

Now some fast thinking on Carol’s part had to be done. Almost without skipping a beat she retorted, “Randy, that money is for your education. Sorry, you can’t take any of it for that snake.”

Randy continued to show no disappointment. There was no crying or stamping of feet, but as later actions revealed, he quickly concocted another plan.

The next morning, Carol and I did something we almost never do, we slept in. Usually, we are up by 7 on a Saturday morning setting out to do what can’t be done during the work week. Sleeping in however was the perfect setting for the plan Randy had been hatching since the bankbook ploy failed. Suddenly at 8 there was a knock on our bedroom door.

Randy asked’ “Can I come in?”

I said, “Yes.”

Randy entered our room and held up a fist full of money with the ardent request, “Can you take me to buy that snake?”

Carol and I were shocked to say the least.

“Where did you get that money?” I demanded.

“I just ran a garage sale and I have my $29.95!” was Randy’s mater-of-fact answer.

I looked at Carol and read the dismay radiating from her face at the now inevitable reality that a snake would soon be resident in our house.

I was somewhat skeptical that a six-year-old was capable of running a garage sale. I quickly arose, got dressed and went about investigating. I went outside and surveyed the driveway and front yard. I couldn’t see any hard evidence of my son’s garage sale tale. I stepped into my empty driveway when my neighbor across the street called and waved me over.

My neighbor Gary, a retired Navy man, opened his garage door every morning, sat at his workbench and read his morning newspaper over a cup of hot coffee. It was no different this Saturday morning.

I walked across the street and greeted Gary. With a big smile on his face, he told me the rest of the garage sale story.

Gary related that he witnessed Randy opening our garage door around 6 am. He was very careful to open it very slowly so as not to make any noise that might wake us up and foil his well crafted plan. Randy proceeded to get out a large piece of cardboard from inside the garage. With a large magic marker he wrote in big letters “GARAGE SALE” and the number of our house on the cardboard. Randy then crossed the street to his friend Tommy’s house, roused him from his sleep and recruited him to give a hand with the next task in the plan. The two boys went into the backyard where they retrieved two benches from the picnic table set. One by one the boys lugged the benches and placed them in the middle of our driveway.

Two blankets from the garage were neatly placed on the benches. Randy then brought out a couple of boxes that contained some his toys. Small match-box cars, trucks, airplanes and construction machines were inspected by Randy and some were placed on the benches. These were deemed dispensable. The toys accumulated on the benches were tagged with prices on bits of masking tape and carefully arranged in groups. Cars were placed together in one area, trucks in another, airplanes and construction equipment like bulldozers and back loaders in another.

This phase completed, the boys took the garage sale sign to the end of our block and taped it to the lamp post.

At about 7 am, people began to show up. They searched the sale of toy cars, trucks and airplanes laid out on the blanket clad benches. The people saw this as a gold mine of toys as most of them were in excellent condition and the prices at 25 to 50 cents each were deemed a bargain. Gary’s curiosity got the better of him and he wandered over to survey the situation. He watched as people excitedly collected toys they wanted. They paid Randy in cash for their purchased items. Gary noted that Randy carefully counted his earnings after each sale was completed. In about an hour, Randy realized he had just what he needed for his snake. He abruptly told the few remaining buyers that the sale was over. The final few items were purchased and everyone left.

Randy and Tommy put the few unsold toys back in their storage boxes and proceeded to return everything to their original places. Lastly they removed the sign before more people would come looking for the advertised sale.

My neighbor told me how fascinated he was with the whole episode. He asked me, “What was it that motivated Randy’s extraordinary action?”

I told him, “A snake. He saw a snake at the pet store yesterday, but Carol was not too thrilled over that idea. She told him he can have it when he can buy it with his own money. Surely she never thought it would happen this fast.”

It was later that morning that we took Randy to buy his snake with his own money, just as his mother had legislated. The smile on his face as he proudly paid the cashier at the pet store was a proud moment for Carol and me.

We got used to having snakes in our house as Randy continued his fascination with these creatures. He learned to care for them and feed them. It must have been one of the things that inspired him to later pursue an education in veterinary medicine.

Randy a few years later with a Pine Snake

Turning Point

This experience is an obvious turning point for Randy, wherein he realized that if he set his mind and resources toward achieving a goal, he could do it. Additionally, if he was willing to make sacrifices, those sacrifices could make the difference between success and failure. This experience was also a turning point for Carol and me. With it we realized how powerful an influence over our son a challenge issued by his parents can be. If we had just given in and bought Randy what he so desperately wanted would have robbed him of this life changing turning point. Randy had experienced a great lesson that prepared him for the challenges his life would bring him. As parents we continued to give challenges to our son that also proved to be significant turning points for all of us.

Parents have the ability to create turning points in the lives of their children. The more aware we become of the impact of our own turning points, the more we value them, the more grateful we become and the more we can see opportunity to create them for others.

The Cell Phone at Church

The advent of the 2000 millennium ushered in an age of electronic devices that have become ubiquitous and a constant presence in every venue of our lives. Cell phones became “smart” and provided an amazing plethora of connectivity at the touch of a finger. These devices have come to be virtually indispensable in the minds of everyone and particularly the teenage crowd. This reality played an interesting part of an otherwise typical Sunday morning at our church.

I made my normal early morning preparations to minister the Sunday sermon at our church in El Cajon, California. Everything that day was typical for a Sunday morning as I drove to church for the morning service. It remained typical until I was a few minutes into the sermon. It was then that I noticed a teenager in the congregation leaning over intently. At second glance, I noticed he was franticly entering information into his cell phone. My initial thought was that the sermon was possibly boring to him, but then thought otherwise. The notion that maybe he was taking notes of the sermon flashed into my mind.

After the service the lad stopped to greet me. I asked him to show me his phone which he proudly did as it was new and had all the latest features. I mentioned that I noticed him taking notes during the sermon. I asked if he would kindly share them with me. I suggested he could e-mail them after he downloaded them at home.

He immediately bowed his head and, looking at his shoes, shamefully confessed that he was playing a game on his new phone with the sound muted. Noting his obvious sense of shame, I simply said, “Oh,” and changed the subject. I inquired as to how he was doing at school. We had a pleasant chat and parted with a smile a firm hand shake.

The following Sunday I again noted the same behavior from this young man. This time for some reason I did not get to greet him after service before he left with his family.

But, when I got home and checked my e-mails, I found one from him. Attached to his email was a lengthy epistle of the morning’s sermon. I was astounded as I read it. The caliber of its content, its thoroughness and completeness was quite impressive. The words revealed a detailed and thoughtful assimilation of the spirit of the sermon. I was deeply moved by how well he was able to grasp even the subtleties of the sermon’s content as well as his perspective on its application to his life.

I wrote him a glowing thank you e-mail and praised him for his willingness to share his notes with me. I noted how impressed I was at the thoughtful perspective he had and his ability to assimilate the sermon.

Turning Point

I am grateful that my first negative impression was quickly supplanted by a positive one. This simple and instant about face positioned me to guide our ensuing conversation to turn a negative to a positive result. It is amazing how catching someone doing something right and acknowledging it can prove to be a positive influence on someone. It is much more enjoyable to praise than to critique. (Refer to “simple Words -Powerful Turning Points” post)

Turning point lesson: look for the positive to turn a negative to your advantage.

Simple Words – Powerful Turning Points

I discovered that simple words or phrases contained wisdom that, when brought to mind at just the right time, had the potential to become a significant turning point. The more I came to realize this, the more sensitive I became to these words and phrases. I began to collect them and use them when opportunity arose to inspire others.

If you believe . . .

One of the earliest of these phrases was famously attributed to Henry Ford. He is purported to have said, “If you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you are right.”

I pondered the truth of this statement and added my own corollary: “If you believe you can, you will; but if you believe you can’t, you won’t.”

The experience I have often shared regarding an application of this axiom occurred when I worked in a hi-tech company in San Diego in the late 1970’s. I was manager of the engineering and manufacturing departments and my team of professionals were typically assigned to support nuclear physicists with the projects they managed. One such project was scheduled to be shipped out on a Monday morning.

On the prior Friday afternoon, Joe, the project’s physicist came to me and said, “We just broke our last optical encoder on the machine and we will not be able to ship on Monday. You will have to cancel the shipment.”

I had put forth a significant effort preparing for the shipment. It required organizing a crew of heavy machine movers and orchestrating trucking and manpower. I was not about to give up the plan so quickly. I insisted that Joe join me in the shop to assess the situation.

We went out to the machine on the shop floor to assess the situation. I looked over the inspection machine and noticed the broken encoder. It was a laboratory version, obvious to me the reason for its failure. I explained to Joe that he should have installed a ruggedized industrial version encoder to survive the rigors of a machine like this one. I asked Joe to get the catalog from the encoder supplier and join me in my office.

When he arrived, I opened the catalog and searched it for the appropriate ruggedized encoder needed for the project. Further review of the catalog revealed a picture of the company president on the inside cover. I picked up my phone and called information in Cleveland, Ohio where the company was headquartered. The Information Operator provided his phone number and I made the call.

The president’s wife answered and gave her name. I introduced myself and apologized for interrupting what must have been their dinner as it was 6:00 pm in Cleveland. She said her husband was on a business trip and was expected home any minute. I was about to ask her to have him call me, when she said, “Wait, he just came into the garage, can you hold?”

When the man came on the phone, I quickly explained our dilemma and gave him the part number of the ruggedized encoder we needed. I then asked him the really critical question, “Can you ship it so it gets here in San Diego tomorrow?”

He replied, “Yes, I can have my night foreman pack it up and get it to the airport for the 7:00 am flight to San Diego. It should arrive around 2:00 pm. Will that work for you?”

I responded in the affirmative, thanked him profusely and hung up the phone.

I looked at Joe who sat across the desk from me with a bewildered look in his eyes.

I said, “Joe, go get your team and inform them to arrive here at 2:00 pm tomorrow afternoon ready to install that new encoder and test the machine for as long as necessary. It is going to ship on schedule on Monday!”

Joe, astonished, said to me, “How did you do that?”

I simply said, “I believed I could, so I did. You didn’t believe you could, so you were ready to give up.”

The “I”-CAN . . .

I attended a marketing and sales seminar one day. The facilitator was introduced and came out onto the stage with a small silver can in his hand. As he began to talk, he kept tossing the can from one hand to another. Then he threw it up in the air and caught it. After a few minutes of this “can” gymnastics, he revealed to us the significance of the can.

He explained that each morning when he awakes, he grabs his can from the bedside night table and carries it through his morning rituals. For him, it is his reminder that success comes in a “can” not in a “can’t”.

He urged all of us to buy a small can of tomato paste on our way home. Then take the label off and clean off the past residue. With a permanent magic marker, inscribe and large capital “I” on the top.

He said, “When you go to bed tonight, place it on your night table. When you awake in the morning, take the can with you wherever you go. When you look at it, be reminded that: success come in a can”, not in a “can’t””

When I was serving as a confirmation teacher for three young church members, we were studying the Ten Commandments and principles that Jesus taught in the Gospel and the expectations God has for us. One of the students shook his head and said, “Wow, that’s really hard to do!”

My response was puzzling to the class. I gave them instructions to bring a small can of tomato paste to the next class.

The next class began with questions as to the purpose of the cans. We all took our tomato paste cans and I had them remove the paper label. Then I handed each of them a permanent magic marker.

Following my instructions they printed a large capital “I” on the top of their silver can.

I explained, “I want you to take this can home and put it on your night table. When you awake in the morning, take the can with you wherever you go. When you look at it, be reminded that: Success comes in a “can”, not in a “can’t”.”

As I was giving this instruction a further enhancing thought came to mind. I told the class that the dismay they expressed in the previous class at the difficulty they felt in living the life Christ hoped they would, inspired me to offer the “I-CAN” solution.

I said, “But if you don’t think that’s sufficient for you, turn the can over.”

I instructed them, “Take your magic marker and print on the bottom of the can “He”.

Now when you look at that can, if you still have doubts, turn it over and realize that if you can’t, God can!”

Try to Catch Someone . . .

I was reading Ken Blanchard’s book “The One Minute Manager” when I came upon the page that read, “Help People Reach Their Full Potential. Catch Them Doing Something Right.” This was for me one of those “Ah-Ha” moments.

It struck me that most people had an eye for catching people doing something wrong so they could be corrected. This was a new perspective for me. While it was fresh in my mind an unexpected incident occurred during one evening at the dinner table.

My thirteen year old son Randy announced, “You will have to make other plans for Friday evening.”

“Why is that?” I inquired.

“Doug got expelled from school today and his parents grounded him for a week,” was Randy’s answer.

Typically on Friday evenings we took Randy to the local gym club where he met his friend Doug to play racquetball. Afterward they walked a few blocks to Doug’s house for a sleep over. Carol and I would do something together for an evening out at a restaurant or visit with friends.

Shocked at Randy’s answer I inquired as to the reason behind Doug’s expulsion from school. Doug was one of the nicest kids we knew. He was a real gentleman. How could this have happened I wondered?

Randy explained, “Doug got caught throwing fireworks into the boys’ rest room at school.”

I immediately jumped out of my chair, leaned over and gave Randy a big hug and said, “Randy! I am so proud of you! You did so well!”

Puzzled at my outburst, Randy said, “Dad, what do you mean? What did I do?”

I said, “Randy, don’t you see? If Doug had access to fireworks, and gave into peer pressure to do such a foolish deed, so did you. But you chose to resist peer pressure. You thought it through and decided it was a foolish thing to do and it would get you into trouble. You took the high road and made a wise decision. That thrills me and makes me so proud of you.”

I found that Randy’s appreciation for his personal strength of character and his ability to make wise decisions was enhanced by this turning point moment.

Turning Points

Believing in yourself, believing you can, such belief (enhanced by trust in God) can turn many situations from failure to success, victim to victor.

Finding clever but effective reminders to appreciate what you can do with your gifts and talents can make the difference between success and failure. To appreciate the presence of God in your life and trust in His support to achieve your honorable goals can enhance your perseverance when facing obstacles along the way.

Catching someone doing something right and praising them in fine detail can change someone’s perspective and help them find the belief in themselves necessary for their own personal success in life.

Powerful turning points are indeed hatched in simple words.

My Art Teacher’s Lesson

Great turning points in my life occurred during my four years in high school. There I was blessed with some extraordinary teachers. I planned to attend college after my high school graduation to earn a degree in engineering. Consequently, I enrolled in what was termed “College Preparatory Course”. This curriculum required a heavy dose of science and mathematics classes and intense English classes. I shared this curriculum of courses with other students headed to college. When I entered college, I found that I had received an education equal to or better than my fellow college students who attended expensive prep schools.

The intense nature of the College Prep curriculum left little room for anything else, specifically interesting elective courses. However, I was somehow able to sneak in a year of art with Ms. Marie Sauer. From my earliest years, I loved art. I made all the Disney characters in colored construction paper and hung them from a wire coat hanger creating a mobile. Colored construction paper became the medium for creating my book report covers. I also sculpted characters from the movies, specifically horror movies like Frankenstein and Dracula. My passion for art since childhood motivated me to seize a place in Ms. Marie Sauer’s art class when as an elective it became available to me.

Ms. Sauer’s encouraging words to me as my art projects were being created were just one of the many attributes of her teaching style. I especially appreciated her positive way of helping me overcome my fear of tackling a project I deemed beyond my talent and capability.

A case in point was my reticence at tackling a drawing project in the medium of charcoal. In her classroom was a sculpture of the bust of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln was a hero of mine, so I wanted to somehow produce a piece of artwork using that sculpture. Ms. Sauer’s challenge to me was to shine a light on the bust from a certain angle, then draw the resulting image in charcoal. My initial reluctance to use charcoal for this project was overcome with the urging and encouragement of Ms. Sauer’s convincing counsel. The result was to hang in my library to this day.

Abraham Lincoln Bust in Charcoal (1958)

After I graduated from college, I was on an assignment in Las Vegas, Nevada that required daily trips into the desert. On the way to my work destination I saw signs for a Nevada State Park called the Valley of Fire. On one of the few days I had off of work, I journeyed through this amazing natural wonder. The colors of the natural creation gave credence to the name for it surely seemed to be ablaze with fire.

Valley of Fire – Nevada State Park

This experience planted a seed in me, a certain image burned into my memory. That seed came to life when I enrolled in graduate school some months later. Each night when I came home late after classes, I was too wound up to get to sleep. I needed something to help me to relax. My solution was to make an oil painting of the image that the Valley of Fire inspired in me months before.
I purchased a canvas and mounted it on a wooden frame. Thus began what would be a project that spanned more than two years.

I started the project by sketching the image I had in my mind onto the canvas. I imaged a bush on fire as I walked through the Valley of Fire State Park that day in the summer of 1965. Now, I worked to put this image onto the canvas. I purchased oil paints in the colors I knew I needed to achieve the color effects the painting required.

My concept for the painting was to create an image comprised of triangles. Each triangle would be painted a solid color. No two triangles of the same color were to touch each other save for at a point of an adjoining triangle. There would be three basic elements of the painting. The first was the ground on which the bush was growing. The second was the bush itself. The third was the fire and its resultant glow as it encompassed the bush. I hoped to produce in the mind of the viewer of the final piece a sense of a bush growing on a hill ablaze with a fire whose essence was exploding outward like the sun. I also used the shapes of the triangles to combine with the colors to give the visual effect I tried to achieve. Larger and bolder triangles were used for the ground and narrow triangles were used for the roots and branches of the bush. The fire triangles were also elongated to give the bursting effect I wanted to portray.

With this in mind I began by painting the ground, a “ground-up” sort of plan, probably based on my engineering thinking. This project soon became a greater challenge than I first imagined. Abiding by the rules I established, I had to create forty seven different shades of brown to join the color black. What made this particularly difficult was the fact that I needed to reserve lighter shades of brown for the branches and roots of the bush and the varied shades of brown the bush would required.

Each night I set to work a new shade of brown was mixed on my pallet until the ground was completed. Once the ground was completed I began to work on the bush. This required a variety of lighter shades of brown to distinguish it from the ground and produce the effect I needed to enable the viewer to see the bush, its branches and roots.

When the bush was completed, I tackled the bursting effect of the fire encompassing the bush. I accomplished this effect by blending the colors of the triangles from bright yellows nearest the bush to dark reds at the periphery of the painting. The shpe of the triangles enhanced this effect.

All this painting of triangles necessitated painting most of it with a paint brush with only a few hairs. This was required to paint the sharp points of the triangles. Again, the challenge with this area of the painting was to create a large number of shades of yellows, oranges and reds to achieve the effect desired without violating the established rules.

The painting was created over the two and half years of my MBA graduate studies. Each night upon returning home from classes, except for the months I was courting my wife, I spent an hour or so painting three to five triangles at a time. I created a shade of a particular color, then with that color triangles were added to the canvas. It was a long and tedious project but it gave me peace and prepared me for a good night of rest.

I have called the resulting oil painting my masterpiece. It is the image of Moses’ Burning Bush from the Bible. I often told visitors to our home gazing at my painting to “take off your shoes as you are standing on hallowed ground” inspiring them to say, “Ah! It’s Moses’ burning bush!”

The Burning Bush of Moses (1967-1970)

After my master piece was completed I continued to exercise my passion and joy for art. I have explored a number of various forms, working with hook rug art, photography, and wood work. But what I found to be most interesting was the way God used my passion and interest in art as a means to open opportunities for me to be a blessing for someone I met along my path of life.

Turning Points

Ms. Sauer challenged me to explore my limits and develop my talents in the arts. That was a turning point for me. It was not only relative to my art and creativity self-esteem, it also applied in my life generally. We all have God-given talents. Each of these talents have a purpose that may be hidden from our realization for years only to be resurrected at just the right time to allow us to employ them to be a blessing for someone.

The consequence of this turning point relative to my art talents was my personal joy in expressing these talents through art in many forms. Whether we see the beauty of art in the Creation and its wonders or in the art created via the talents of others, appreciating art in all its varied forms adds immeasurably to our lives.

The Bird’s Funeral

As our son Randy was growing up, we taught him to pray at meal times. I would pray and then he would pray. We prayed not only offering thanksgiving for the food but also asking for a blessing upon it followed by a plea for those we knew who faced some difficult situations. On Sundays and Wednesday evenings Randy accompanied us to church where I served as a lay minister. He witnessed me serving and experienced our family serving others. When visitors came to our church services, we had them come to our home for a meal and conversation. So this story about Randy was not a real surprise to us considering his being raised in a home where a culture of serving others existed.

An only child, Randy found it necessary to make friends with all the children in the neighborhood. He mastered the art of building friendships evidenced by the respect his friends showed him. They saw Randy was their leader. Often when we came home from a brief trip, a half a dozen or more youngsters were sitting on the curb in front of our house waiting for Randy to return. He was the one to lead them on their daily adventures. He was very successful at it because they all kept coming back for more.

One Saturday morning I went out into our backyard prior to our planned shopping trip. I discovered a dead bird lying on the patio floor just below our large picture window. The bird had apparently flown into the window and broke its neck. Not wanting to delay our departure, I didn’t mention my discovery to Randy until we got home.
Returning later that morning from our shopping, I parked our car into the driveway. When we exited the car we were greeted with a united chorus from the assembled crowd of children at the curb, “Can Randy come out to play?”
With the news of the dead bird, Randy rounded up his friends and immediately made a bee line for the back yard patio.

Carol and I emptied the car of the morning purchases and I promptly left again as I had another errand to run. I didn’t discover what happened with the deceased bird until I returned home a few hours later. Then Carol told me the rest of the story as she filled me in on what transpired.

When Randy and his friends found the dead bird, he immediately hatched a plan. Randy asked his mother if she had a small box. As it turned out we had a small rectangular wooden box from a block of cheese we had previously purchased. Carol was saving it for some undefined use, so she thought this was as good a use as any.

Randy now needed some linen and cotton to line the box. Carol supplied these by giving him an old handkerchief of mine and some cotton balls. Randy organized a team effort with his friends to fashion a coffin from these materials. They lined the box with the handkerchief and cushioned it with the cotton.

Once finished, the bird was gently laid in the makeshift casket. They placed the open casket in Randy’s little red wagon. The lid to the box was laid next to it. Randy now asked the girls to pick some flowers from the garden to decorate the casket and wagon. A potpourri of flowers was laid in the wagon surrounding the casket. The funeral procession was now ready to begin.

The entourage of mourners marched around the neighborhood in single file. Randy pulled the wagon with the line of children following in single file, all heads bowed in serious sadness and silent dirge. For the neighbors, it must have been quite a sight with the parade of solemn little four to six year old children following a red wagon filled with flowers surrounding an open casket.

After circuiting the neighborhood the procession returned to our backyard. Randy retrieved a small shovel from our shed and found a place in Carol’s flower garden to dig the grave. The dirt in our yard was not conducive to easy digging as it was made mostly of clay and rocks with only a six inch covering of topsoil. Randy began earnestly to dig, but once he hit the clay, the effort to dig deeper became significantly difficult. When he got to about twelve inches deep it got so difficult Randy was prompted to consult with his mother once again.

“Mom,” he said, “does the grave really have to be six feet deep?”

Carol replied, “Randy, for the bird it only has to be twelve inches deep.”

Dilemma solved, the grave was now ready to receive its occupant. But one more thing needed to be done. Randy asked his mother for the family Bible.

The funeral scene was now fully prepared and ready. Randy, holding the Bible in his hands, presented to the assembled congregation of friends a brief funeral sermon and eulogy for the bird. After a short but heartfelt prayer, he placed the lid on the box and secured it. Gently laying the casket into the grave, the children took turns throwing dirt into the grave.

With the grave covered and strewn with flowers, the kids went out to the front of the house to continue their play.

Soon Randy’s friend Tommy came home. He was out with his parents and missed the whole funeral and burial experience. All of Randy’s pals excitedly told Tommy in great detail the funeral they had for the dead bird. Filled with shock and disappointment, Tommy immediately began to cry and sob uncontrollably. He stood shaking with tears flowing down his cheeks. It was just too much to have missed for this six year old lad.

Randy couldn’t bear to see his good friend Tommy so distraught. He put his arm around Tommy and calmly assured him, “Don’t cry Tommy, we’ll do the funeral all over again!”

So out came the wagon and shovel and the bird’s casket was carefully exhumed. Placed in the wagon with the flowers the process in its entirety was repeated for Tommy’s benefit. That little bird was blessed with not one but two funerals!

Turning Points

What touched me about this experience was Randy’s compassion and sensitivity to Tommy’s feelings. His immediate resolution of the situation was impressive. He obviously learned a lot of details from witnessing funerals that I had conducted. Randy’s love of animals prompted him to provide a dignified burial for this dead stranger that lost its life in our yard. Randy’s character, his sensitivity to the feelings of others, knowing he could make a difference, and respecting life of the animals he loved would serve him well throughout his life.

A turning point for me was a deeper realization that how parents live and act has a powerful and effective influence on the character of their children. As the old adage states, “actions speak louder than words.” A parent may not realize it at the moment, but their conduct is a significant factor in the life of their children.

Math Teacher Philosophy

In my four years at Garfield High School, I took specific mathematics classes to prepare myself for studying engineering in college. My first year I had Algebra I. The second year I had two math classes, Algebra II and Geometry. The third year Solid Geometry-Trigonometry combined into one class. My final year I studied Calculus.

My Solid Geometry-Trigonometry class was taught by Mr. Peter Hubiak, a seasoned mathematics teacher who came with a well known reputation for strictness.

Mr. Peter Hubiak

Mr. Hubiak was a real character. Most of the students teased him behind his back because of his idiosyncrasies. He always seemed to have chalk stains on his suit jacket and a perpetual bulge of pens and pencils in his breast pocket that threatened to burst the pocket’s seams. The careful observer of details discovered soup stains on his tie and even on the front of some of his shirts peeking out from the edges of the lapels of his suit jacket. He was one of the oldest teachers on the staff. In fact, he was really old in my view because he had taught my parents!

Mr. Hubiak turned out to be a harbinger of wisdom that went beyond his expert teaching of solid geometry and trigonometry. He frequently philosophized during class. He would preach wisdom that stuck with me, probably because under the teenage critique of him there lay a certain measure of profound respect. His germs of wisdom took root in me and over time saved me from many potential losses both financially and career wise.

One of his philosophical offerings was his statement, “You can’t get something for nothing.”

That may sound simple and maybe even trivial, by many a time in life a prospect that seemed too good to be true tempted me to invest my resources. Then his words echoed in my mind and I resisted the temptation. Future events revealed how that little impulse saved me from serious financial losses. To this day I am grateful for Mr. Hubiak’s persistent preaching to us as teenagers.

Another offering was this suggestion that applied, as I later in life discovered, not only to solving mathematical problems but life problems as well.

He said, “When you are facing problems and situations that seem to overwhelm you, stop and go back to basic principles. Apply them and the solution will reveal itself.”

One of the most important turning points for me came with this “Hubiak-ism” as a key element. At a critical moment in my engineering career, when I was severely challenged, my God reminded me of this precious gem of wisdom from my teacher. It lay dormant in the crevices of my mind and was resurrected with meticulous timing to make a huge difference in facing a seemingly overwhelming challenge. [Refer to the story titled “It Doesn’t Work – Fix It” to see how this simple but profound solution evolved into a big professional success.]

Turning Point

The realization that wisdom can come from the least expected people who come into our life unexpectedly is a true turning point. It reveals the understanding that God can and will use anyone to fulfill His purpose for us. We just need to position ourselves to be extricated from our prejudices, judgments and fears so we are open to the blessings that can flow from these unexpected sources. Turning point phrases also find application beyond the obvious, as I have discovered in the spiritual part of life when resorting to “basic principles” as simply asking God through heartfelt prayer.

We Are Going To Be Undefeated!

At six years old, our son Randy attained the age of eligibility to play T-ball. T-ball at the time was a program to teach six year olds the fundamentals of baseball. Instead of having a pitcher throw the ball to the batters, there was an adjustable post that was placed at home plate. The height that it held a baseball for the batter to hit was adjusted for each batter. There were nine players with one player positioned where the pitcher normally would play.

When the day came for registration, Carol, my wife, took Randy to sign up for our local Mira Mesa T-Ball league. He was assigned to the Pirates team and was presented with his equipment consisting of a black and yellow Pirates baseball cap and jersey. He was very excited and proud to be part of a team.

That evening when I arrived home from work, Randy ran to meet me proudly decked out in his new uniform.

Randy’s official Pirates Picture

Excitedly he announced to me matter-of-factly, “Dad, out team will be undefeated and win the championship.”

That’s when I stepped in with my fatherly “reality check” comment, “Randy, you need to know that your team will lose a couple of games.”

Randy insisted, “No Dad, we are going undefeated!”

As the season wore on, I became more and more impressed with the coaches of the team. Unlike many other team coaches, the two men who coached the Pirates kept a level head staying cool while others, mostly parents were going wild. They kept the game simple for the little kids, giving them clear and simple instructions. If the ball was hit in the infield, they were told to always throw to first base. If the ball was hit to the outfield, they were told to always throw to second base. This strategy employed the law of averages and it worked perfectly.

Game after game the Pirates came out on top of the final score. By the end of the season, the Pirates were indeed undefeated and won the championship!

Although he didn’t say it, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Randy was quietly thinking, “See Dad, I told you!” Maybe it was the excitement of the accomplishment or maybe he was just being gracious, but he never uttered those words to me.

The Pirates Team

Carol and I joyfully congratulated Randy and his team mates as they excitedly walked off the field as champions and the first undefeated team in the program.

I had to pause and understand the lesson my son just taught me.

Turning Points

I learned that being realistic and practical when dealing with children is not always the best course to follow. Better to be prepared for when and if the unexpected happens than to force the issue and run the risk of being the “wet blanket”. You never know when “undefeated” and “championship” are dreams destined to come true. Randy proved to me that season in his little boy naiveté that dreaming big is the best way to face a challenge. Then over and over again as he grew up, he found ways to succeed at whatever he set his mind to do.